Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Falling Apart

Charli started school this year. For her it was really exciting, for me, not so much. I am happy that she is going to school as she was so ready for it and I am happy that she loves school, but I am sad that she is not here anymore. I am sad that they are both not here anymore. That year of 1 day a week of childcare and the the following year of 3 half days of kinder still didn't prepare me for the total and complete silence when she is not here. She sings, ALL THE TIME, she talks, she plays, she watches TV or bounces on the trampoline. When she is here, there is the noise of another person in the house. When she is gone, there is silence. I don't have to constantly help her with stuff or watch her do stuff or make her stuff....I just have to look after me. She is not here.

I think now, more than ever, I will look forward to the school holidays and yes, after 4 days they may be making me insane with their constant needs or fighting, but they will be here with me. Charli is home today and it is the second last Wednesday that she gets off of school. She is tired and resting, barely making any noise at all, but every now and again, she will ask for something or tell me that she loves me and that is what I miss the most. I have work to keep me busy, but it is not the same as having a gorgeous, adorable, annoying, crazy person around all the time.

I know that this is all about Charli and you may say, what about Paige? The thing is, I went back to work full-time when Paige was just 5 months old. I worked full-time for a while, then part-time and then I had Charli. Paige is now in Grade 3 and is doing really well. All of this with her was exciting, she was ready, she is doing well at school and she was the oldest. When she went to school I still had a little one at home, someone to take care of and do things for. I missed Paige, but I was occupied. Not any more and work doesn't take the same energy as looking after a child.

So, Monday night I fell apart. It was messy, ugly crying and The Boy was not sure what it meant or what to do but we got there and I feel better now. I miss Charli and I miss Paige (not enough to keep them home with me forever) but enough that when I pick them up in the afternoon, I look forward to it. I push myself to get my work done so that I wont have to be working after I pick them up, I try to spend time with them, helping with homework or just talking. I yell less as I try to make the most of the time we have together and I try to be more organised so that we can do that. I may or may not buy them treats sometimes on the way home just so they know that I care and am happy to see them and I most definitely hug them A LOT!

I love both of my amazingly wonderful girls and I realise even more now just how much I love them as they get older and more independent.